When She is Left with Herself. When She is Left to Herself 👤.

All the progress I have made has followed me here to be made great use of.

This Evolution Here? Mad.

Sep 23, 2022

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Me: The devastation I feel has not rocked me, shaken me or made me take leave of my senses. This devastation has stilled me, has halted all movement within me. 
Outside of our love, I am sober.

World-Shifter Me: Those moments of stillness count for something.

Visual Musing of ART BY ADEBISI

What’s good World-Shifters?

What I was most afraid of happening happened - I was alone and in my aloneness, all my grief came for me at once.

I believed that without all the empty hubbub of people and noise to distract me from myself, I was nothing but an embodiment of my deepest and saddest remembering.

I say all this to say that being alone has called for plenty of looking my truth in the eye and admitting instances where I am short-changing myself. There are so many questions I have evaded and allowed to pile up because I have avoided me for so long.

At this time, I am being revealed to myself.

The Devastation - Our Relationship With Difficult Emotions

It’s okay to be sad; the occasion calls for it. It’s not that you’re weak, it’s that you are feeling.

There is a devastation that comes with being unmasked and seen, even if it is only by yourself. In finally reaching here, trust that you can be present for this. Trust that you are not abandoned in this feeling.

Emotions are merely visitors, signifiers that you are human. They do not get to define your reality, and they are not here to stay — soon you will feel something else.

Visual Musing of ART BY ADEBISI

Consider:

Where is the danger in experiencing this emotion for you?

Who’s to say breaking-point isn’t a gift?

You are ‘breaking’ and there goes a piece of your armour that kept you from feeling, kept you from us.

You are ‘breaking’ so that love has a point of entry.

You are ‘breaking’ and what is no longer for you or working in your favour is leaving.

You are ‘breaking’ and all I can say about it sounds so poetic — doesn’t that count for much?

You say that you are ‘breaking’ but couldn’t it be that it is all coming together?

“Nah, Bigger” @IamKiaK

I am some way from what I know. This will take some patient and wilful navigating. I have that.

I am not telling you that you can “good vibes” your way out of this. I am telling you that you have what it takes to hold yourself through this.

Defending yourself against the pain of growth and truth will never be worth it. It only prolongs fruitless suffering in place of the kind of temporary suffering that brings with it clarity and wisdom.

Becoming is a daily ritual. It is a process with no end in sight and no finish line to hurl ourselves towards. There is no destination you will reach where all suffering ceases and all woes no longer exist. You can expect emotions and experiences that are uncomfortable to show face their from time to time. The irony is, the only way to let go of all the hard feelings is to let them stick around for a little while.

And I know.

I know.

So many of us aren’t used to not self-medicating those feelings. Sadness, anger, and frustration are feelings seen as threats to happiness, when more often than not they can be conducive to understanding what we need to be happier.

Visual Musing of ART BY ADEBISI

There will be days when you wake up unsure of where you are in your process of grieving. But each morning give yourself the love and attunement to be where you are. No matter where “there” is or what "there" looks like, meet with love there. Even if yesterday you felt strong, but today you feel weak. The place you are is where you should be and where you have it in you to meet yourself. You are constantly taking strides forwards — your (fluctuation in) emotions have nothing to do with this.

That can be a hard thing to process. You feel good one day and then bad the next, so you damn yourself for going back on your growth. You damn yourself again because you thought you had finished learning this lesson, and were way beyond this. But that is the nature of feelings — they change. They are not the thing you are depending on. But you, you are consistent. Your growth is still happening even when your emotions waver.

Tarot for Change -- Jessica Dore

In processing sadness or a new reality, there is the natural tendency to try not to be present for it. But for you to work through it, you need to be present for the difficult and uncomfortable emotions.

Do not try to rush the discomfort out or numbly sit through it, but instead sit with it. Drive towards the discomfort. Discomfort is only there to tell you -

“This is different, how do I be with this?”

Trust that your intuition will, at the perfect point, tell you,

“Like this.”

Visual Musing of ART BY ADEBISI

I considered doing something that would go against all my growth and take me lunges back. All to fill the oncoming aching with something that would undercut it, even if for a little while.

Forcing myself to be present for these difficult emotions I asked the questions:

Why can’t I trust myself to eventually come around?
Can’t I feel good in my body by myself?
Why do I feel the need to self-medicate?
How is that going to strengthen me or reflect all of the progress I have made?

I was gearing myself up to reach for something external to me like it isn’t all

right here.

Eventually, I would have to learn this lesson, I choose to take the steps to learn it now.

Being in pain is no reason to go back on your growth, you can’t justify that to yourself. It’s your responsibility to meet yourself where you are, not where you once were.

Everything you have gone through, you have gotten through. Why would that change now? Are you not even more equipped than you were all those years before? All your progress has followed you here to be made great use of.

On the Other Side of Tragedy

In my life, I have found that tragedy does not simply get to be tragedy. Tragedy here looks a lot like a call to transformation.

It is an opportunity to mourn, to process, to move through and then to a place beyond. I have found that it is possible, that you can grieve what was as you prepare for all that will be.

I know that I am talking about the nature of tragedy so lightly — forgive me. It’s just, how can I fear grief when I know so intimately the joy that follows it? I know this process well, there is nothing to fear here.

Visual Musing of ART BY ADEBISI

Following my period of mourning what was, let me prepare to celebrate — for I have walked myself from a good thing to a better one. I am moving into a whole other phase of my life, and it will all be by my own design.

I cannot succumb to grief for too long because my energy is electric! My loves, there is something unstoppable, uncontainable, completely unafraid, and it has decided on its place of residence within me! Even in the midst of tragedy, there is room in it for me to shout, gloat and relish in the excitement of what is my life.

There is an incredible thing on the other side of this experience, and I need do nothing but accept that this is my journey to receive it.

Rest assured, as I am preparing myself for wonderful things to happen, wonderful things are preparing themselves for me.